Suplex City
by caylender
Summary: Whenever Brock Lesnar invites someone to visit Suplex City, they seem uncomfortable. He doesn't understand since Suplex City is really a lovely place; he should know since he's been elected mayor... A cracky one shot about the truth behind Suplex City, free Popsicles, New Day's new unicorn friend, and the return of Crossfit Jesus.


This one just popped into my head when I was thinking about Brock Lesnar and Suplex City.

For like one of three times, this isn't captainbartholomew's fault. This cracky piece came straight from my weird brain! (I don't know if I should brag about that.)

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own any recognizable names from the WWE.

 **AN:** Intern Eve is an OC that captain and I blame everything cracky in the WWE on. Whenever we think creative is messing with us (think of the New Day referencing Ambreigns), we blame her. She first appears in my fic Roaring Randall the Rooster. Then captainbartholomew uses her in Travel Woes and Dabbling Drabbles. It's not necessary to read these to get her, but feel free to do so anyways.

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A white picket face enclosed an impeccable, vivid green lawn. There were no weeds, and the grass was painstakingly trimmed. No chips off of the lovely blue siding of the house could be distinguished, and the paint was not faded in the least. The shutters that bordered the windows gleamed in a fetching red tone. The house looked like it hailed from a 1950's idyllic suburb.

A similar style house in different colors neighbored the blue house with red shutters, and next to the neighbor, another sat. In fact, houses of same caliber filled the quaint neighborhood.

A group of children played in the street, and this was just dandy because no one exceeded the speed limit of twenty miles-per-hour, and every driver was always cautious to watch out for the neighborhood children. After all, most of the drivers had children of their own, and those that didn't surely planned on having children when they (in careful conjunction with his or her spouse) could come to an amicable agreement as to when they felt financially and emotionally ready for children.

A slick silver convertible cruised down the street and the driver, Intern Eve, casually waved at the group of neighbor kids that were currently playing hopscotch in her sidewalk. In other cities, someone might be irritated by kids drawing in chalk on their sidewalk; however, that is not the case here in Suplex City.

Intern Eve carefully steered her convertible into the main hub of the city. She glided past the shining windows of various storefronts: Punk's CoMics, Triple H's Hardware Shop, Undertaker's Funeral Parlor, You Can't C Me Baseball Caps and T-Shirts, Big Show Ice Cream Parlor.

Driving past Paul Heyman's office for Advocation, she saw the New Day's Church of Positivity. In front of the beautiful images of unicorns and trombones in the stained glass windows, there was a large sign: Crossfit Jesus to Return to his Crossfit disciples, Are you ready for the Captain?

Intern Eve admired the new police station that was meticulous constructed in the center of the city, especially the sign in front that welcomed (abet prematurely, for now) Reigns and Ambrose as the good cop and the bad cop. She giggled, excited for the city to gain two such wonderful inhabitants.

She carefully pulled her car over to a parking stall, making sure she was well in between the lines. A careful parker makes a happy road.

Purposely walking, she made her way to the town square in which a gazebo resided. She was pleased to see the 3MB was happily jamming out before the big speech. Snapping her fingers in tune with the song, she swayed in line with the rest of the crowd and accepted a complimentary popsicle from Mark Henry's popsicle cart. Henry always appeared at these speeches with free treats. When the little concert was over, she was slightly disappointed but was more excited for the speech.

Paul Heyman stepped onto the stage. "Welcome ladies and gentleman! I am most pleased that so many of you took time out of your busy schedules and happy lives to be in attendance of an important event! Without further ado, here's my client and your newly re-elected mayor of this fine city, Broooook Lesnar!"

Brock Lesnar stepped onto the gazebo and waved at the crowd, giving an especially fond nod to Intern Eve in the crowd and a warm smile to his wife and kids. "Hello citizens of Suplex City…"

As Brock gave his address to his citizens, he thought about all the wonderful characteristics present in Suplex City. Crime was non-existent. The police force truly existed to save cats from trees. The economy was thriving; never had any of the businesses have to close in the history of the city. The population was always steadily growing, but not at a rate that would worry construction crews. There was no racial tension, and women's rights were always respected and considered. In fact, there was no salary difference here. Religion wasn't a factor. Either the citizens attended the New Day's Church of Positivity and worshipped Seth Rollins, or they respectfully observed their right to practice their personal faith. Supplex City never even had inclement weather. The people elected him as mayor every year, and no one ever wanted to run against him because of the genuinely good quality of his leadership. His secretary, Intern Eve, was young, plucky, and always had great ideas to improve the city.

As he spoke to the citizens that he genuinely loved and cared for, he wondered. Why did all the superstars panic when he promised to take them to Suplex City? He genuinely believed Suplex City was a wonderful place that could and would grant them better lives.

He was nearing the end of his speech when he saw the Welcome Committee's Bo Dallas lead Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose to joining the crowd. Both looked slightly confused, but they visibly relaxed when Mark Henry handed them popsicles.

"And again, I would like to thank you fine citizens of Suplex City for choosing me as your mayor once again. I know that-" A loud clash of thunder interrupted Brock's lovely acceptance speech.

Both a baffled Brock Lesnar and the crowd looked up at the sky. A plump cumulonimbus cloud floated directly above the gazebo. A lightning bolt flashed and a beam of gold light shown down from the sky.

"It's the end of the world!" Heath Slater yelled.

"Buy one; get one Tombstones at Undertaker's!" Undertaker called out.

"No!" Kofi Kingston refuted, and he threw an arm around Xavier Woods' shoulders. "It's the return of Crossfit Jesus!"

"It's the Captain!" Big E agreed.

And they were right. Riding a pure white unicorn out of the cloud and in the midst of the golden light and puffs of falling glitter, Crossfit Jesus began descending down to the crowd.

"That's my boy!" Triple H yelled.

"Ugh, I always hated the white Summerslam outfit," John Cena mumbled. "It brings up bad memories."

Intern Eve frantically flipped through her notebook until she paused, reading a page. "Oh, I did write his return like this...How could I forget so much glitter?"

Crossfit Jesus finally landed on the ground, and he dismounted the unicorn. The unicorn pranced away to go mingle with the New Day, and Seth Rollins (aka Crossfit Jesus) was at a loss for words.

"Speak to us, Crossfit Jesus!"

Seth shrugged. "I said I'd return, and here I am."

The crowd cheered.

"What an eloquent speech!" The Big Show said as he wiped away tears.

Ambrose and Reigns approached Our Lord and Savior cautiously. They hadn't noticed any steel chairs lying around, but one never knew…

Seth made eye contact with the former members of the Shield. "I want you to know that I am sorry. I atoned for my sins (and the sins of all Superstars) and literally transcended to make things between us right."

Roman hesitated. "It's hard knowing what you did to us, little brother, but I forgive you."

Seth nodded. "I'm sorry. Dean, do you forgive me?"

Dean shrugged. "I would've been happy with you buying us a round of beer and giving me a potted plant, but I guess literally becoming an embodiment of a deity proves your sincerity, too. We're good, brother."

The three connected their fists together in front of them.

Brock Lesnar smiled from where he stood next to Paul Heyman. He made a mental note to reopen Crossfit Jesus' Gym...and to obtain the proper zoning permits for the New Day's new unicorn. All things considered, it was another happy day in Suplex City.

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Yup, I have no idea... Yay for crack? This kind of became my version of Seth's return and if he doesn't return on a unicorn from the sky with gold light and glitter, I'll be inconsolably distressed.

Please review. :D


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